Last night I put on the Weeds soundtrack and made an amazing dinner of couscous and artichoke chicken, pausing to dance around the living room with Zoe and her apple buddy. BJ came home right in time. Do not underestimate the enthusiasm in which I declare this: It was blissful!
Oh, just what I needed. This girl does not permit brooding. Even when she flings her hysterics around and I want to bang my head against the wall, she looks at me and flashes those silly little toofers through the giggling smile that scrunches up her nose and it is impossible not to crack a giggling smile back. Believe me, I tried.
30 April 2010
Well I love you so dearly, I love you so clearly, wake you up in the mornin' so early just to tell you...
Posted by Jenny at 9:57 AM
29 April 2010
This girl is breaking my heart. Squeezing it into a pulpy, sticky mess -- just like that orange slice. /lame melodramatic comparison.
I’ve noticed it’s fairly common of parents -- mothers in particular -- to sniffle about their children getting older. While I’ve commiserated, I lacked the facility to grant them justice in my thoughts -- “let the kid grow up – what did you expect? Unfortunately this isn't The Simpsons” was usually the overriding sentiment in my mind. But right now, I feel as though I have a new viewpoint, a novel understanding of the bittersweet inevitable growth. An understanding that could only come through experience.
To begin, this week has been unreasonable. Why must things suck all at once? School finals, tumultuous emotions over family stuff, drama at work, BJ’s work schedule hours continue to be harshly hacked which equals my debit card declining while buying groceries (the shopping cart was full. I was mortified), broad-spectrum stress over what the hell I’m doing with my life with possible girly hormones and dreary weather peppered in. My stomach has knotted itself into something I'd doubt a boyscout could even figure out. I’ve been feeling BAD, and feeling bad can be so much worse than feeling sad. Crying is productive – it provides an outlet. Feeling discontent, confused, scared – BAD, does not. I've been pushed out of my comfort zone. So perhaps it has just magnified my emotions about Zoe.
Let me assure you that I am overjoyed when Zoe picks up on something new about the world.
- In Target last week, she rubbed her hands together as I hurriedly pushed her in the shopping cart past the hand soap isle.
- She pulls her diaper wipes out of their container and rubs them across the table surfaces the way I do when I’m cleaning.
- Ask her to say cat, she says cat. Doggy, doggy.
- Tell her not to put the crayons in her mouth, she’ll comply.
How do you prepare to have your daughter’s all-encompassing expansion intervene in the sacred mommy and baby dynamic? As exciting as it is, devastation slices me every time she pushes herself out of my arms, wiggles in discomfort as I rock her to sleep in my arms because she’s just getting too big to wedge in there like she used to, refuse to eat anything she can’t feed to herself, infinite etcetera.
It’s somewhat alienating. It's hard letting go, and it will be harder I’m sure. I’m reminded of an experience when Zoe was about four months old: Two women pushed a baby in a stroller past my house on a summer evening while Zoe and I snuggled on the porch steps indulging the pretty evening. We briefly greeted each other and swapped baby stats and I said, “She’s already getting so big, I can’t believe it!” and one mother sighed and said, “I have five kids. Just you wait. Your heart is about to get broken. You don't even know, grrrl” That ominous warning has manifested itself!
Of course I never want to stifle her and I love watching her grow. I guess I suddenly understand why my mom used to insist on cutting my meat until I was a teenager (when I stopped eating it). Change, growth in every capacity of life is truly miraculous, but this post is about it also being painful.
Posted by Jenny at 11:34 AM
20 April 2010
2. No alcohol during the week days.
3. Play outside with Zoe after work every day the weather permits.
4. Drink 2-3 massive water bottles a day (re-using the same massive water bottle).
5. Make an effort to be closer to BJ. Show more affection; openly explain my thoughts and details of my day that may inspire him to do the same and inspire closer considerations of one another. I find that, when I have one experience where I catch him tuning me out, I almost completely cut off and stop trying to tell him things, and it eventually causes catastrophic domino effect in our relationship.
6. Limit meat consumption to a couple meals a week.
7. Buy nothing unless it’s an emergency [or nutritious food].
8. Pick up the house little by little to avoid hours of cleaning on the weekend.
9. Take time to talk to my co-workers and nurture camaraderie. Take pride in my employer, my work, and myself…even when it feels futile.
10. Respond to text messages and make more phone calls just to talk. I used to be a text machine, but now texting aggravates me. I blame the touch screen on the iPhone. I still haven’t quite gotten it down.
11. Teach myself how to do more DIY crafts and be more earth-friendly around the house. I want to learn how to knit. I want pretty stationary to write my friends letters on, and I also want to start home-making pure natural cleaning agents and bath products.
12. Catch up on Zoe’s baby book.
13. Be more mindful of my assets. Don’t take them for granted, because when I do I lose them.
14. Focus and DO instead of sit and THINK so I can utilize my time as cleverly as possible. (I think this will be the hardest)
15. Plan (dinner) meals down to the recipe from week to week so I only have to go shopping once. I find we waste much less food and money this way because I try to include the same fresh ingredients in each diverse meal, so less rots away in the fridge half-used.
Wish me luck!
Posted by Jenny at 10:14 AM
19 April 2010
Posted by Jenny at 12:30 PM
12 April 2010
Oh, another fine weekend it was. Saturday the choir of backyard birds woke me up around 8AM. I mustered the ambition to get up alone and instigate housework and a long shower while everything was still quiet and I was free to do what I wanna. When BJ woke up we split a Red Bull and drank it out of glass tumblers, it felt very funny yet charming. Zoe eventually joined the living world just in time to dress and leave to meet one of our favorite couples, Mimi and John, and their entourage for a spree at Wheeler Farm. Zoe appeared to LOVE it, and we loved watching her bright-eyed head attempt to process all of it. Geese squawking like prehistoric creatures, pig snouts sending ripples through their drinking water, a drowsy hay ride without the hay through a forest of trees still barren from winter. The experience gave me a new appreciation for the place. Being a parent is incredible in the way it alters your entire perspective on..well, everything. I love re-experiencing the world I thought I knew through my baby’s eyes. It’s a fascinating place.
When we left, my car had drunk up sunlight to the point that I was sweating and had to change into a tank top. It was euphoria! We drove to Jessica’s place. She let me buy a lightly-used Britax off of her for $50.00. I am sooo giddy about it! It’s so luxurious and roomy and soft and the pattern is probably exactly what I would have picked myself. I scored so hard. It’s nice to know Zoe is the safest she can be while rolling around with me. This officially makes her a big girl. Walking, talking, and now bucketless.
We went home and Zoe and I took a bath while BJ mowed the lawn. I met Jill, Lindsay, and Lindsay’s sweetest new little boy, Koby, for an early dinner (senior citizen aka Jill Raymond time) at Bonsai. We chatted up the entire time, mostly disregarding the talented Japanese chef as he performed his culinary craftiness for the small table audience. I felt bad, but oh well. We constantly have stuff to discuss and laugh about effortlessly, it’s amazing. I’m so glad that they are in my life.
My mom watched Zoe while we dined because it is practically impossible to tame my little wild thing in a stifling restaurant at this point. We went over there after dinner and let the chillums meet and took some great pictures of the ittle Koby man with Zoe. They are almost exactly a year apart – Koby was born February 18th (a date I forever engrained in my memory as it was Zoe’s due date while I was pregnant. The day I pined away for interminable months.)
After they left, my mom and I sat around with the bot and I painted my nails. My mom saw us off and Zoe was whisked away into dreamland on the drive home and stayed that way when I put her down in her crib. This meant BJ and I got to make smores and rent Where the Wild Things are OnDemand. It was the first time we’ve been able to lay in a cuddled mass and watch a movie together uninterrupted in ages, it was incredible. The movie was so cute. My heart was swollen with happy.
Posted by Jenny at 2:55 PM
07 April 2010
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