Unprompted by anything, I started listening to an old favorite of mine this morning – Saul Williams, and reliving the feelings his music/slam poetry wires me with. It makes me think about my life at age 20-23, before I (re)met BJ and a new direction ascertained itself in my life. I remember Cody and I checking-out early 90’s slam poetry from the library and watching it fanatically. I remember sitting at the Nuyorican Poets Café in New York City with Jaclyn, intimidated by being the only white girls in sight, or Tost in Seattle with Taylor -- paralyzed by the intensity and brilliance of slam poetry. I used to write. I used to like writing, and I wasn’t terrible at it. Then I stopped. I stopped appreciating other people’s writing. Everything started feeling uninspired, second-hand, or pretentious. I felt ashamed for reserving my time for, what I started viewing as, a self-indulgent act.
There are times I lament these years of traveling, bouncing around relationships, partying, avoiding organized-education, spending every dime I made on fun, writing, etc. I truly lived by the mantra "live like there's no tomorrow", and I am paying for it now. ;) I could have been working on a career, laying out safety nets for my future family, but then I remember I didn't WANT a family at the time, I didn't care about money as long as I had enough to hop a plane or dine out every night. How drastically my life changed in the past few years, and it pulled all my strings with it. My path had not deviated; I swerved onto an utterly paradoxical one. I am still recovering from feeling like a person split down the middle. For the past few years I have felt like there were two parts I got to play by having two sets of people in my life -- the ones that knew me before, and the ones that met me through BJ. The gap is slowly closing, the contrast not so bright. I get down on myself about where I am right now (financially, career-wise) until I look around me and see people that followed the straight and narrow right out of high school and find many of them with a provincial attitude that is not my nature. That life was not for me, it would have tortured me the whole way here. I never thought the life I lead now would be mine, I never saw it coming. It’s taken a lot of adjusting, adapting, and a lot of faith, but I am happier than I ever remember being. I LOVE my life. I am proud of it, I love my friends and family, I love my daughter and my husband, positivity comes naturally now -- it's a survival method, and I feel successful in so many ways. I am proud to have lived the years that came before and how they have shaped me, guided me to where I am now. I hope this will make me a better mom to Zoe, more accepting and open-minded about certain things (and if nothing else I will have some stories about her mother that might blow her mind a little)-- and I hope Zoe can have the experiences I did -- or at least feel like she has the choice to make her own decisions and experience life on her own terms, as I did, rather than live within the boxes much of the society in Utah will pressure her to occupy. I guess what makes me happy is that we all have a choice, and nothing is ever set in stone.
I am constantly reminding myself that there is still time to live. I’m only 26. Sometimes I feel so old and fear that I’ve wasted too much time to advance my life in certain fields and provide for the bigger family that I now desire to have.
Anyway, here is some Saul Williams lyrics that are quite inspiring and brilliant to me, especially reuniting with them at this point in my life.
That changes by the hour